The lovely folks that provide my medication (for FREE!!!) called me yesterday, and as usual they peppered me with many questions, questions that are at times too personal for me. “Have you dealt with any depression?”, they asked.
I paused. I’m not supposed to deal with depression, but yes, I have fought with depression. Just that morning, as I drove to work, i felt like something was pulling me down in to the floorboard of my car. That something is fatigue, and I fight it every morning. Recently, I have realized that it pulls my emotions down too. When a simple task ,like brushing your teeth, has you leaning over the sink in complete exhaustion, you start to ask yourself questions; “How long can I keep this up?” And with that one question, my thoughts turn dark. My mind looks out over the horizon of my responsibilities, and this fatigue that rests over my shoulders quietly reminds me “It’s all too much for you, you’re going to fail”. I shrug off the thought, and walk to the car, debating calling in sick and diving back in my bed. I have this debate every morning, and I take pride in knowing the “get yourself to work, boy” side of me wins the debate almost every day.
Yesterday, the fatigue was more intense than normal. As I grapple with it, it invites in depressive thoughts to fight with me in a 2 on 1 battle of my mind. But It has helped me to identify its source. As I pulled into my office parking lot yesterday, I reminded myself that I am more fatigued than normal because I had been pushing myself a little too hard the past two weeks.The late nights, road trips, and bike rides were catching up to me. I have been impressed with how well I’ve been doing, and I have been hoping the low carb diet was the key. I still feel the same, but now I see that my body was acting out like a 2-year-old who needed a nap. That helps me reign my thoughts in.
I left work 30 minutes early, planning on taking a nap just before church that night. I laid down, pulled the covers up, and woke up 4 hours later. The heaviness of fatigue was a little lighter and my thoughts, a whole lot brighter. That injection I was planning to take would have to wait until later. Sometimes the only answer is rest.
And he said unto them, Come ye yourselves apart into a desert place, and rest a while…
Back in the saddle today at work and doing better. Still on the diet. More updates soon.